Toxic Relationships

"Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me".

Whoever said this rhyme must have been a very strong person in order to believe it.

Words do hurt. I've given the topic of criticism some thought lately. But I still question: What separates constructive criticism from bold-faced negativity? Is it in the way it's delivered or the way its received? Or does it maybe depend on who it's coming from?

Growing up, we're taught that our loved ones only want the best for us. Knowing this, you put a lot of trust in them. After all, these are the people that know you best. They know what makes you laugh and they know what makes you cry. But what happens when someone you love always has "constructive criticism" for you?

My first instinct is to believe them because I tell myself they want to help me. But as time passes and negativity adds up, it becomes irrational. I began to realize that there's more to it than just a "hey, you could do better" attitude. It seems as though some people will just always be negative. Actually, there is such a thing as an "Extreme Black and White" personality disorder where the person can only see all the good in you or all the bad at a particular time. So when they see you've done something good, they see you as being better than them because they think everything you do turns out well and then it usually comes across from them as hostility or jealousy. When they see something go wrong for you, they attack with negative comments because they (in the moment) see you failing.

At some point, you just have to start being your own boss because if you work for yourself, you'll only ever need approval from yourself.

I realize now that for a long time, I've been seeking approval from people that just didn't have it in them to give and no matter what I accomplish in life, they will always expect more. It's no wonder I'm so hard on myself. It's no wonder I work on a two-end spectrum: pass or fail (there's no, "at least you tried your best"). So, now that I've figured this out, what should I do?

If I ignore the negativity and go on my day without thinking twice about it, I save myself from self-hatred and insanity. I can't really cut them out because they will always be around and I don't really want to cut them out of my life either because, well that would be a shame and quite sad. Unfortunately, because of personality differences, most people end having a somewhat superficial relationship with their family once they've grown up and moved out.

I think the answer is this...there is no answer. Some people will just never change. I'll just have to prep myself to be civil with some people and in my own mind, I'll just know that I'm saving myself. I'm sure I'll have to bite my tongue and it won't be easy but I guess creating distance and being civil when we meet will be the only way for us to survive.

One important thing to remember is that people can only say one of three things to you:
1. Facts (truth)
2. Expertise (highly educated opinions on a particular matter)
3. Opinion ( not the truth, just preferences)

Next time someone says something to you, think about whether it's the truth or just an opinion and that might make it easier to separate constructive criticism from plain negativity.